as the only daugther in my family and huge long distant of age with my siblings, i grew up alone..instead at home when i was a smally girl my friends are my toys and my bestfren is my "kakak koyak" (a doll)...i talk to myself and i olwes watch tv as mama n papa is very busy with their work....
when my family move to malaysia...i was lost...i lost my scool frenz even thy are not soo damn close...yet i have prob i communicating....in jb i am not use in speaking the pasar malay and i am the only malay girl in primary six to sit for BM tuition..how stupid am i...as i was nurture in the english language environment, i have a tantrumize mind and heart to speak all i want to without thinking of others feeling....yess i am very outspoken....in fact i can hurt people in second...just test me....
now...i felt my life lonelier than eva....when i was a lil gurl, i do have my toys...now i have my diary to pour all the bits of my soul in it....yeah i am not da gurl that can easily write a status like what i am feeling or wishing to happen...i am realistic person..people disturb me i attack back...i comment the daily issues and may not have the true heart to write down abstract things.....soo i am very lonely...
guess what...i am still lonely in my university....come on my class consists of 13 pupils only..yet we have 13 different heart and soul and i may not have connect with them more than just mates...as one of my mates have said 'i may spill the beans easily'.....loneliness make me feel i want more...i hunger all kinds of things..yet i cherish and fill up my hunger with all the things i do not need...am i satisfying myself????NOOOO.....i kept feeling more and more selfish and wish i could just have a dead feeling and live like a zombie...atleast i dont hurt people....
another thing dat make me emphasize more on the LONELY adjective is that....in my life..its sooo damn hard to fine a person we can rely on....the person we can care and love my whole heart...when the person came, i am sure i have let go my chance...a trust worthy person that can share the ups and down in life is no where near....i am just getting more lost in my stupid world...and getting sick and more sick with my body that starts to declare war with me..and yet i feel extra horrible since there is no one to share what i feel..hei..its easy to find a friend to go berjimba..try laa..."jom pi shopping" millions will join.."jom teman aq have a heart to heart talk in my room"millions will back off..come on..this is the new definition of frens....i miss the old friend...the old stan...the old world.....
..this real world sucks...but it is not too bad if i can be the great actor that smile through out my life and will die a happy death...happy ending..the end.....
3 comments:
hehey, first of all, we never be lonely because Allah always with us. Chibi pon sometimes feel like that, and then I remember that I always tend to forget that we have Him. Secondly, we always think that friends is everything life, yet we forgot that everything is always back to our dearest family. The twelve ghosts in your university life, might mean nothing, but you might not know how some of these ghosts secretly concern about you. :). Cheer up because you always know how to make your world bright.
Just read the comment..and it definitely cheer me up:-)
Just read the comment..and it definitely cheer me up:-)
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